Sunday, 24 March 2013

I've just got to work what I'm going to say.

I don't think I can be with someone who has a drinking problem. I'm talking about my boyfriend Prince Charming.

I've been thinking about it for a while now. He'd been off alcohol for 10 weeks and however great our relationship has been while he was sober, I always worried that once he went back to alcohol, it probably wouldn't work. He decided to go back to alcohol tonight during his guys' night in (which we had previously discussed, and we agreed he should have a maximum of 2 beers, which is already a lot after 10 weeks of sobering up from a drinking problem).

But when I spoke to him on the phone just now (I wanted kind words after that tear-jerker of a film - see previous post!) - his words were slurred, he expressed himself strangely, and I knew that second he was tipsy. He'd had 3 beers. It might not seem like a lot to you, but I know my boyfriend, and even though he doesn't now recognise his issue with booze, it's been as plain as day to me for the past year and a half of our relationship, that he has a drinking problem. That things could end in tears.

He can't say 'No' to another. And I don't think he'll ever be able to. We talk about future plans, about our lives together, even about silly marriages. Most of the time, I really honestly thought that he was The One. I've just been really naive. This ugly thing has been staring me right in the face for so long, screaming 'Get out while you still can!!!' but I was CONVINCED that a man with a drinking problem can change for the better. Well, not gonna happen. Is that what I really want for my life? And to be so worried about his drinking all the time? No, definitely not. It wouldn't be fair to me, nor to him.

God I knew it was too good to be true. Is every guy going to have these issues? I know I have my issues but I recognise them and WANT to change them. Men are childish. I feel a mixture of pain and numbness (weeeeird), and my shoulders are shaking. I cried for one second. Now I feel perfectly calm. Even though I hurt and I'm numb.

I've just got to work what I'm going to say.

EDIT 01:28am: OH THE IRONY! so because of my boyfriends drinking problem, and because Im basically gonna break up with the man i love, i couldnt sleep so i was like OK LETS HAVE A DRINK MAYBE THATLL HELP and a bottle of wine later now im FUCKING DRUNK !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH OH THE IRONY. MAYBE its for the best we#re breaking up, everyones screwed up arent they

Saturday, 23 March 2013

I should stop watching.

As promised, I write again! While bawling my eyes out. Because I'm watching 'The Time Traveller's Wife'. And it's so saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad! If you haven't, read the book, then watch the film, they are both amazing. Just arm yourselves with tissues beforehand. Because otherwise, your face will be covered in snot.

I'm sure you're all dying to know how my new job is going. It's. FRIGGING. AWESOME.

Well, truth is, it's not much of a job at the moment because it's been full of inductions and courses for my professional qualification for the first three weeks. My fellow graduates and I get on well, it's like we've known each other for years, and you can 100% feel the team spirit. Most of them are guys (our group has 20 guys, 10 girls), and in the 'corporate world', you really have to impose yourself among men if you're a woman. But hey, because I'm amazing and sexy and intelligent and so frigging wonderful in general, I've found that leadership actually has come quite naturally to me. I've had some really great feedback from everyone including senior managers and directors that I've stood out as a determined yet approachable leader with real consideration for team-mates. YEAH I'M AWESOME. Prince says I'm a bossy boots. I'm not. But we all knew I was awesome already. In any case, inductions are now over. This week, the real work starts though.

So yeah. My job is great, I get a ton of dosh this week that I can splash on really important things like handbags, shoes and holidays, I've met some cool people, I feel good. BUT OH EM GEE I AM SO TIRED!!! Like seriously. I leave the house at 7.30am and get home at 8.30pm. And I obviously have to go to the gym too because otherwise I turn into a fat cucumber on legs. 
 Do NOT diss my Photoshop skills. They are incredible.
(Jeez it looks creepy)

(OMG OMG the end of the film is coming, and I know exactly what's going to happen, so I've started bawling my eyes out. I WANT PRINCE CHARMING TO GIVE ME SNUGGLES!!!!!!) 

In terms of puke-age, ugh I hate to say so guys but... I've did it about 20mins ago. I was feeling a bit rubbish and stressed, so I ate a ton of pasta and then chocolate. GAHHH! I need to work on it.

JEEZ I CAN'T STOP CRYING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I should stop watching.

Tuesday, 5 March 2013

I know you love me.

So... brief entry as I'm knackered from work. My stepdad told me this evening he wants to move out, ergo leaving my mum because he's depressed. Pretty life-changing stuff to be honest. Is my family going to break up again?

I feel like punching through a wall and crying but I can't even cry, and there's no one I can talk about it to. No one. It seems like everyone's too busy to listen right now.

Gosh what's happened to me??? I've gone all emo all of a sudden! Expect real Smiley Princess life accounts, Smiley Princess style soon. I know you love me.