ARGGGGGGGHHHHHH. I'm sorry I haven't posted in a week everyone. I'm sorry your life has been meaningless without my huge rambles to fill your voids during that time (that sounded dirty). The reason I haven't been able to post is that... my pet tarantula Bob died. Of a heart attack. Because I fed him too much salt and his arteries clogged up. SNIFFLE. (That was a joke, I frigging hate spiders. Plus 'Bob' is a stupid name for a tarantula. Can spiders even die of heart attacks??? And why would I feed salt to a spider???) Anyway no, the real reason for not posting is that... I am just a LAZY. BUM. FACE.
I tried to make this spider look cute. It now looks like a demented mutant.
Last week was pretty horrific in terms of binge-purge scenarios. I did it almost everyday. And I didn't really go to the gym, perhaps two or three times. I seem to be stuck in a lethargy of boredom at the moment, fueled by too much sleep, which in turn makes me sleepy all day. I mean, who can ever be bothered to go do cardio at the gym for an hour when they'd rather bury their head into their SpongeBob duvet while streaming episodes of 90210 and playing video games??? (For your record, I don't own a SpongeBob duvet. Seriously, I don't. I'm not kidding. I'm 23, why would I own a SpongeBob duvet? STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT!!!!! Judgmental poos. Although I do have a pair of Snoopy pajama trousers)
This is not my bed. It's the bed of a kid I occasionally stalk from his closet.
For the past year or so, I feel as though my life has been put on hold, having delayed starting my graduate job to focus on making and producing music. I call it my Gap Yah. And god, the word 'Gap' couldn't be more fitting. I'm not gonna lie, I feel as though it's been a bloody waste of time, and when I look back on it, I get so ANGRY, mainly because I could've chosen to either be more proactive about the musical project, or dropped it for something that could've actually gone somewhere, as opposed to a gazillion gigs with a crowd of 10. I kept outwardly blaming my musical partners for their shortcomings (that sounded dirty too) but when I was alone, the person I kept bashing over the head with a frying pan the most has been myself. Because all of this was MY doing. I could've CHANGED direction but I kept waiting for better things to happen, and that's made me very unhappy and resentful, and unmotivated. (OK it wasn't THAT bad, I guess I did learn a bit about myself, and also our music has had some following, and the business side of it landed me a big corporate job that starts in a few weeks, also because I'm awesome and sexy and stuff)
I guess you could apply that frame of mind to Eating Disorders, non? That inability to take responsibility for your own life, always blaming others and your surroundings for your misery. (Kinda like in that movie Ted which OMG is soooo good and it also made me bawl my eyes out. Prince Charming kept laughing his ass off at how snotty my face was. Note to readers: I am HAWT when my face is all snotty OK ???) At the end of the day, I suppose you just gotta be strong and say JUST DO IT. Nike.
Mawwwwww so cuuuute! (Until he starts to bum hump the till)
Anyhow, VALENTINE'S DAY. Wooh! Prince Charming made reservations at a lovely neo-gastro-pub restaurant I love, and I was super-duper looking forward to it until I saw my account was in the red, woops. So yeah, that SORT OF went out the window, which is fine because we decided to stay in, cook a delish dinner and play video games (I'm a cool girlfriend like that). And because Prince Charming is almost as incredible and sexy as myself, he had roses, chocolates, Love Hearts, and the cutest teddy bear delivered to me, with an adorable VDay card. I gave him a hand-made card, a box of home-baked orange chocolate shortbreads with Thorntons Jelly Hearts (which are sitting untouched on my kitchen table. With a dead rat next to them. DAMMIT HE NOTICED THEY CONTAINED ARSENIC, THE SECRET INGREDIENT. Note to self: Use less obvious poison next time. MWAHAHA. Just kidding. GOD I'M HILARIOUS HAHAHAHAHAHA Smiley Princess you're just too much sometimes)
In any case, Prince Charming has been so supportive. The thing that made feel all fuzzy and a bit sad was when I was eating a slice of lemon cheesecake while we watched a film this weekend, and he asked me in a concerned voice whether it was going to make me feel 'too full and sicky' (which is our code for 'going off to the bathroom and making yourself sick'). I said 'No' (but we both knew that was probably not true), and he suggested I just eat half of it, and wait 20 minutes to see if I felt like finishing it. That gave me a slight pang of guilt because I hate worrying him. But also a pang of fuzziness because that's one of the nicest, caring, understanding things, anyone has done for me. I know it sounds trivial but it was very refreshing to have someone I love ACTUALLY help me without forcing my hand. Which was nice. (For your record, I did wait 20minutes and did not purge)
Anyhow. Gym today. Hopefully I won't get chatted up too much (LOL)