Thursday 7 February 2013

I made myself sound gangsta again

BAD BAD BAD. This is NOT. GOOD. Yesterday and the day before were awesome. Today was NOT. GOOD.

I literally draaaaaagged myself out of bed this morning, feeling the lack of sleep making my brain fall out of my butt (ew, that sounds disgusting), and looking and sounding like a total zombie. I poured myself a bowl of fruit & fibre cereal, answering 'Unnnnggghhhhh' in my most 28 Days Later voice to Prince's question 'Are you ok baby?' 
Anyhow, so far so good, right? I then went to work, went to the gym around lunch time and THAT, ladies (and gentlemen?), is when I felt them (no, not the baby's kicks. I'm not even pregnant dammit). The Hunger Pangs (this could be the title of a book. Hmm). Da da DAAAAAAAAAAAAA (that was meant to represent 'dramatic revelation' music, FYI). I tried, I really did, to work through the hunger grumbles, even if it meant practically yowling and growling on the ab-crunch machine, attracting the attention of fellow gym-goers, whose faces signalled distress at the presence of a freak. But by the end of the session, I could no longer take it... I went to Greggs (in the UK, a chain of bakeries). *shock horror* And I had a chicken bake. 

OK yeah I know it's not that dramatic but the worst part came after the late lunch I had when I got home in the afternoon (omelette on toast, sauted mushrooms, salad, yoghurt). It began to rise in me - that awful wave of stress at the idea of having to complete my Tax Return, on top of a whole load of paperwork I'd accumulated over the past 20 years (OK maybe not since the age of 3 because who starts doing paperwork when they're still crapping their diapers?) because I'm a lazy fat arse, and I prefer to do more fun things than admin, like wearing my Princess costume while hosting tea parties with teddy bears and pictures of Ryan Gosling and the Captain Hook guy (see article titled, I should have my own show or something) (you weren't meant to know about the costume tea parties).
This is a photo of me. Nah I'm just kidding. It's my Mum.

But basically, I got stressed, I started to panic, and that irrational feeling of 'GAHHHHH My life sucks, it's terrible, why is everything so complicated, why does David Cameron wear so much foundation etc' surfaced... And so I had a cookie. And another. And another. And another. And another. And after five cookies, I felt full. Not full in the contented 'Hmm yum yum I feel good' kind of way, but in the 'My trousers feel tight and I have a big balloon where my stomach should be, and I'm starting to shake and feel anguished crap crap crap'. So I casually went to the bathroom... and I'll leave the rest up to your imagination (NO I DIDN'T TAKE A CRAP IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WERE IMAGINING!!! Why would I tell you about that???)

After I'd done The Deed, I actually pondered whether to blog about it or not. And then I thought, 'Hell yes, of course I'm going to blog. I already said that if I'm going to be honest with myself, I need to be unashamedly honest with others (see article titled, Damn Maltesers). And that includes my readers. And possibly even Prince who can now read my blog!' So despite your previous kind words of 'You're so funny, you make me happy, you're an inspiration to the world including Obama and Jesus etc', as you can see, I do have my flaws (incredible but true). Just so you know, I then called my local NHS centre and made an appointment on Monday to discuss starting treatment again.

But you know what? Even though I purged today, I'm not mad at myself. Yeah it's not great but at least I'm being honest about addressing my problem, as opposed to hiding it, which makes me feel a tiny bit better.

BOO YAH. Damn it, I made myself sound gangsta again.

6 comments:

  1. Heeeellooo Princess!
    Do you want be my english teacher? I needed, but, I think, I'm evoluting in english language... Soon I can travel to UK, talk with people that lives in there.. haha'

    So, I feel good when I don't eat, it's a good sensation feel hungry (strange this).. Although is self-destructive, because, I don't out of my house, don't ride in the street, don't smile, don't have friends, I live alone... I haven't desire to spruce me (don't makeup, don't tidy my hair ...). I'm a terrible depression...

    Oow, flaws... Everybody have flaws.. It's a part of us... The important thing is not let them prevail in ours relationships, in our lives... We have to be better for ourselves, and those we love, those who love us...
    You're awsome!
    Keep calm, keep strong.
    Kisses and hugs *-*

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Because I'm awesome and amazing, yes I will be your English teacher.
      God I know exactly how you feel when you say 'good sensation', it's practically like a victory and you can FEEL your stomach getting flatter and flatter. But yes I totally agree, it's self-destructive and make you sad. Which is not good. People should be happy, and have friends, and have sexy boys in thongs kneel down in front of you with bunches of flowers! Maybe you should pamper yourself? Like, try on different make-ups, try new beauty products, a new hairstyles, try out new/clothes? Do you think that might help you make you feel beautiful again?
      Princess xxx

      Delete
  2. Its not failure it is an experience to learn from. Measure your hunger on a scale of 1 to 10. 1 being so hungry you would eat your family pet and 10 being so full you feel as if you belly will split open. Alway try to stay between 3 and 8. Never go lower because if you are like me your mind shuts off, you blackout and when you come to you are surrounded by the crumbs of binge food.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That is a pretty damn good idea actually! I hadn't thought of it that way. I agree that going lower than 3 makes me crap my butt and do something stupid food-wise. I'm thinking of wandering around with some 'Graze' snacks when I'm out and about to stop myself from going below 3...
      How are you doing? Shall visit your blog after I post!

      Princess xxx

      Delete
  3. Blogging about it is the best thing you can do! It kind of forces you to think about where your mind was before and after the consumption and ralfing (b/p is being over used...)

    As long as you can use that as a learning experience rather than a break in your motivation for recovery, you're doing just fine!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes I'm glad I can be honest through this blog!! Perhaps next I feel the uuuurge, I shall plonk all my troubles on you guys to make myself feel better hehehe. Also what does b/p means? I'm not as amazingly clever as everyone seems to think I am. LOL GOD IM HILARIOUS.

      Princess xxx

      Delete