Wednesday 20 February 2013

Seriously, what would you do?

Ahhh. My Fitness Pal. The word Pal makes him sound like my BFF, even more so than my friend Bob the Tarantula (whom I perhaps killed by feeding him salt), when in fact, he's making me feel like a dog who is bursting for a piss and has to choose between his walkies and a lifetime supply of Pedigree. PANIC. (Though if I were the dog, I'd piss all over the living room carpet, take a giant crap on my master's bed AND get the Pedigree. No need for walkies, see?)

Some of my readers commented on my previous article Brain cannot compute dirty plate by sink that these calorie-counting apps actually create obsession and OCD-like control, which is totally true. You end up measuring everything, counting numbers in your head, gauging, measuring, etc. And today, I did something I haven't done since I was 17, anorexic and weighed 95lbs... I FRIGGING WEIGHED LETTUCE ON THE KITCHEN SCALES. What the hell is wrong with me ???? And the weird thing is, when I did my total calorie count for the day after dinner, I felt GOOD because I am 6kcal under my recommended net intake. The good thing, I didn't binge nor purged and ate pretty healthily all day. But I really hope I don't turn anorexic again because not only does that make me feel like an un-flushed poo stinking out the ladies' room (don't ask where I get these similes from, I have no idea, that's what geniuses are like), I am also seriously unattractive when I weigh 95lbs (droopy eyes, sallow skin, sunken cheeks, boney legs, and worst of all NO BOOBS. I basically look like Dobby the House Elf. Except worse).

 OK, maybe not THAT bad.

Ironically, I'm finding it a bit difficult to fall asleep at night now, even though I can't help but wake up at 7am for no apparent reason other than 'Oh I have to go work dammit' (which I didn't really do before). Indeed, I SHOULD be flabbergasterdly (wtf, where do I get these words from?) exhausted from having eaten less than I usually do, and burnt off half my body weight at the gym that day. The main reason is that (please don't laugh) (seriously, please don't laugh or I will sear your eyebrows off using psychic abilities I don't possess)... I am scared of zombies. And ghosts. And monsters. And that guy from Saw. And just about every single scary supernatural/psychopathic creature known to man. That is because for the past week or so, I've been playing these zombie horror video games called Amnesia: The Dark Descent and The Walking Dead which are SO GOOD but so DAMN SCARY (contrary to minor belief, I am not a nerd) !!! Now tell me you've NEVER been scared of the Dementor under your bed. I bet EVERYONE has had these fears. The difference with me is that I am fully-grown, 123lb, 23 year-old woman, and people think I'm bonkers (they're jealous of how awesome I am. Plus every genius gets called 'bonkers' at some point).

 Aww I actually feel for this guy. 
No wonder he looks so unhappy, he's not wearing any foundation.

In other news, I am ANGRY and mainly SAD and FRUSTRATED (and this has nothing to do with food/sex, you filthy-minded buggers). My so-called best friend Snow White, I recently realised, has been taking me for granted for the past 3 years. I'm sure you have them, those friends you'd do anything for to make them happy, or travel 1h30 across London to go see them because they're 'tired' (every. single. time.), for whom you'd cancel all your plans because they're a bit depressed, for whom you'd bring a tub of ice cream and Ghost on DVD because some guy they liked turned them down. And who do NOTHING in return, who cancel on your all the time when you want to see them, who don't listen to you or only perfunctorily do so, who never turn up to any party or dinner you throw, who forget your birthday and cancel on you at the last minute on the day of the party because of some other friend. Well Snow White is that exactly. And the frustrating part is, I am able to rant about it for a gazillion hours, but don't even have the guts to tell her I think she's a selfish toilet seat (what is it with me and toilet metaphors today???). Ugh. *reaches for teddy bear and puts Vampire Diaries on because Jeremy is so frigging fit. Seriously how is it possible for a 16 year-old to look that good?*

I mean, seriously. Just look at him.

Other than that, something has been bugging me for a while (see final paragraphs of my article entitled I NEED TO STOP LYING TO MYSELF). Prince Charming has a problem with Something (much like with me and peanut butter chocolate cupcakes I suppose?), and for the past couple of months, has managed to stay off It. I cannot tell you how proud I am of him, and incredibly relieved - to be honest, I find it inspirational that he has been dealing with it, whilst I have sat there stuffing my face with Strawberry Cornettos (I only eat them for the chocolate bit at the end), being like 'Yeah, it's fine, it's good. NOM NOM NOM.' (Although I am seeking treatment and have managed to stave off the binging and purging since Sunday. 'WOOH GO SMILEY PRINCESS!,' I hear you say. No? Erm... anyone? Oh ok.) ANYWAY. The point is, since I started going out with him a year and a bit ago, I saw how... 'unusual' his behaviour with It is, and it often frightened me, though I didn't really comment (except one evening where he scared the bejeesus out of me and we almost broke up. Don't worry, he has never ever shown any violence. I would kick him in the butt if he tried, like that girl from Kill Bill).


LOLwut ? Just found this on Google Images. 
Because it is beneath my high level of intelligence, I cannot comprehend the joke.
 
As his Princess, I can see the detrimental effect It has had on him and on his surroundings and on our relationship. I'm not going to lie that I did wonder a few times (despite how sexy/wonderful he is) whether I would be able to deal with his Excesses in the long-run in our relationship. I think this could even break our relationship.

Anyway, let me get to the point. A couple of weeks ago, he told me that he would be staying off It a bit longer, perhaps two, three more months, he wasn't sure, until he could figure out how to handle it correctly. I was again proud of him for seeing the problem and taking a mature approach toward it, realising that it wouldn't be an overnight recovery - it would take time, lots of time, possibly years. Though I did think he needed proper Help, I didn't really mention it. But last week, he informed me he would only be staying off It until the end of February, as opposed to at least March or April. That's a total of only 6 weeks off It. Which shocked my boobs off (not literally, because I would look like a penis if that actually happened). He then said he would like to take a 'balanced approach' toward It.

'A balanced approach' is fair enough... for a person WITHOUT the Problem. However, when you have such a Problem built up over years and years of practice, you can't just sweep it aside in 6 weeks and then try 'a balanced approach', hoping for the best. It doesn't work like that. I know because I am trying to cure my eons-old eating disorder. It takes A LOT of time, help, support and reflection. He tells me to trust him and I TRUST his intentions, I really do. But in practice, I don't buy it, it upsets me. I'm not sure he truly recognises the problem; it seems he's determined to deal with it alone, which, when you're in relationship is pretty crappy. He even goes on to say that on the scale of things, he's not as bad as others - and that, to me, is denial

Everything he says, I've also said before, so I can observe a pattern. I've relapsed again and again and again, despite my promises that I would be 'balanced'. Only recently, when I openly admitted to myself, to him, to doctors that I am a Compulsive Over-Eating Bulimic have I realised it will take years, decades, a lifetime to gain a 'healthy' approach to food, probably even never, like most bulimics. That is why I am determined to go into treatment anyway. I wish Prince could see that recovery is BLOODY FRIGGING HARD, that when he says '6 weeks is enough, I promise it's different this time', I want to slap him and say 'Bullsh*t. You need Help.'

I just don't know what to do because I know the worst thing would be to push him into recovery/quitting if he's not ready. You can't make someone recover, that's impossible. It only works when they are READY, that is when they truly accept that they're in deeper trouble than they've ever thought, and WANT to change. It scares me because I'm not sure how I would handle seeing him tipsy or drunk again; I'm scared it's going to push me away. I don't know what to do, or say. All I express to him, when the subject is brought up, is a sense of panic, and we all know how helpful THAT is. You've probably now guessed what It is.

Seriously, what would you do?

8 comments:

  1. Amnesia s scary and I was just telling my friend tody I'm afraid after the times I'm rude because it'll probably be to the Saw guy. Real fears. (The Walking Dead is awesome though!)

    So quick recap, sorry you were really round about with it then said alcohol so I'm assuming it's alcohol that's his problem and your eating disorder weighs on him because he cares which I'm sure tempts him to cope with his life and his inability to help you with yours by doing his. Right? Well if not whatever I tried lol.
    My bf is a recovering addict. You're right when you say you can't make someone better. Case in point us with our EDs. You're nicer than me by saying you will try. I inform mine that he can't expect me to stop if he won't take counseling seriously and tries to do it all on his own. We're at a sort of headlock on that.
    Basically it's help each other and learn to rely on one another with these sensitive life problems or admit it isn't going to work with the issues under the surface. That's the brutal truth. I think it could wotk though. You guys seem to have great mutual respect and understanding so wuth patience you could help each other.

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    1. Amnesia is soooooooooooo good ! Prince Charming and I finished it together last night and it gave me the creeps ! I totally don't get the ending(s) though... weirddddddd.

      Thanks for being so honest - I agree with you that if they refuse to see the 'light', then if the problem becomes really detrimental to you both, then breaking it off seems like the most viable option. Thankfully, I had a chat with Prince yesterday, and we both agreed that the booze is a symptom of how he is feeling, and that he needs to remedy to how he's feeling to get better

      Princess xxx

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  2. I think the "balanced approach" is something we all need to try so that we can see that something is a problem afterall. Just like all of us with our EDs, we think we are in control when really there is no control at all. If your guy is going to start doing things again I recommend setting up some ground rules. Of course this is super tricky but if the limits are pushed you can talk about it afterwards and hopefully he would see the problem. I actually wrote out rules on a sheet of paper and gave it to my husband. He agreed to the rules and has since broken one which we will be discussing once I can control my anger!
    Good luck

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    1. I did write down some ground rules with Prince a few months ago, but he took it really badly because he saw it like a contract, which we agreed a relationship shouldn't be. I agree with you that there needs to be boundaries in a good relationship. He and I had a chat yesterday, and he's even considering getting some advice from someone who was in the same situation as him but recovered. So proud of him!

      Princess xxx

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  3. I have recently vowed to never again take illegal drugs. I was in hospital this summer and got addicted to tramadol. When I couldn't get more I self-medicated with codeine, aMT and weed. I have been clean for 4 months. It's really, really hard, but for me going cold turkey was easier than trying to wean myself off it bit by bit. I drew a line in the sand and said to myself "This is it. No more." It wasn't easy. At all. But I did it, and I'm going to keep doing it.

    If only I could have the same willpower with my ED.

    butterflyunfolding.blogspot.com

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    1. Wow congrats !!! That's amazing. Yeah I agree cold turkey actually is easier than weaning off bit by bit. The tricky part, for recreational drugs anyway, is when you have a bit, telling yourself 'just one', and then you have a bit more, and a bit more... it becomes hard to stop.

      Get better xxxxx

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  4. Do not let him go back on it if possible. I'm going to guess that it's some kind of drug or maybe alcohol... but convince him to stay off it for longer. It does sound like he's caving to a craving - if he's not, make him prove it by abstaining!
    Of course, you can't actually force him to stay clean, but I think you should explain to him how much you want to help him recover like he's helping you, and explain what lengths you will go to to do that. And if he has a problem, you can work it out now before the date actually comes for you to take action.
    What do you think? Would that work?

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    1. Thanks for the advice ! we had a chat and he thinks it's also a good idea to stay off it for a while - it's the feeling he has now (which leads him to booze) which needs to be changed!

      Princess xxx

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